I continue to find it simultaneously entertaining and frustrating that the things we often resist the most, are in fact, exactly what we should be embracing. When our hearts are darkened by deceit and our minds are clouded with stories and lies, we run towards things that continue to damage us deeper.
When we come to a place of clarity, truth, and honesty (note: raw vulnerability that initially makes you cringe) we are able to start running towards the process that pieces the pottery back together, rather than shattering it, over and over again.
In this season of my life, the word I keep running back to every single morning, hour, and moment of the day is surrender. Even as I say the word out loud or see it in written form I feel a fresh sense of peace. Surrender has been so terribly difficult for me. I have come to terms with the fact that I have struggled with a rebel heart, which in culture can be portrayed as cute, sexy, and fun. But behind that sexy facade is frustration, striving, bitterness, chaos, and hopelessness. There is a price that you pay when you continue to choose control mechanisms that give you the illusion of independence. God has made it obvious that our way leads to death and deceit, but we don't believe it's true, so we continue to trust ourselves and struggle for constant control.
I certainly didn't believe God was going to work it all out for me if I loosened my grip and just trusted Him. I thought 'He doesn't really know me because I don't 'feel' him, so how could He know what I need?' The irony of that story in my head was that it wasn't that he didn't know me, it was that I didn't know him, which skewed my perception of his abilities. The way that you view God is always going to impact the way you view yourself. I believed God's way was harsh and restrictive. Choosing my own path was more fun; it had more sex and freedom and possibility. In reality, that path came with massive heartache and confusion and anxiousness.
The litmus test for your heart and soul is the fruit of your life. I claimed to know God my entire life, and at times I even gave up all the 'sin stuff' to get closer to Him. I was trying to work my way to His will and presence. I was trying to solve this equation where I plugged in my 'duty' that would equal an output of revelation from God. I came at Him with my own terms which was my controlling attitude of 'If I do this, you do this.' Meanwhile I was still harboring bitterness and unresolved questions in my heart against him. Most days I didn't even believe he was real and thought if he was, I would never feel him or hear from him. I was only seeking him to do the 'right thing,' be the girl my parents wanted me to be, and show up as the 'real' Christian that everyone else expected me to be.